Soloist: Lost Dream, an Unlikely Essay

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Lopez writes that his relationship with Ayers is both a gift and a burden for them both: "I've got no time to play music-room monitor. I've set a trap for myself without knowing it, and readers aren't letting me forget it" (Lopez 25). Some of Lopez's interventions prove difficult, such as his attempt to reconnect Nathaniel with his family. "Stigma, March says, keeps families from accepting a loved one's illness and seeking treatment for them, and it also marginalizes those who are afflicted" (Lopez 76). Interestingly, Lopez writes, undercutting the accepted idea of the biological basis of mental illness, "I've been unable to find any evidence of mental illness in the history of Nathaniel's family (Lopez 77). The deeper Lopez becomes involved, the more paradoxical Nathaniel's madness and relationship to music becomes, and the more difficult it is to find out what is the cause, much less the solution, to the question of how best to fit Nathaniel back into society. Lopez is good at finding out the facts as a reporter, but answers to the problems his research provokes prove elusive regarding Ayers.

Lopez finds less and less time to spend with his own family and the payoff is uncertain: "The extra time I'm spending on Nathaniel is time I don't get to spend with my family. I wouldn't mind it so much if I knew I was making a bigger difference in Nathaniel's life" (Lopez 83). Lopez tries to get Nathaniel involved with the Lamp community, "a downtown Los Angeles agency that works with mentally ill homeless people" (Lopez 26). Lopez makes a tremendous investment in getting Ayers treatment, at one point even considering calling the police to force Nathaniel into intensive drug treatment and therapy for his schizophrenia.

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He calls Ayer's estranged sister, and demands that Lopez find a home and community connection at Lamp, if only to store his valuable instruments. By the end of the book, Lopez reflects: "Maybe I'm now at the point of letting go, of recognizing the limitations posed by so severe a disease as schizophrenia" (Lopez 268).

This book is about an awakening of ideals and also a letting-go of ideals. Providing Ayers with musical instruments, a place to sleep, and a more stable domestic environment does not eradicate the illness from his brain. Schizophrenic madness is not linked to genius, rather it hampers Ayers' natural gifts, and it is difficult to separate the illness from Ayers' personality, given how long this homeless man has lived with his demons. But Lopez, despite all of his reservations and his continual worries that his interventions are not bearing fruit, seems to both learn and find fulfillment through his extraordinary acts of intervention in his subject's life. However, like his subject, he must try to keep grounded in reality, and understand the limits of mental illness, as well as strive to overcome Ayers' delusions.

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